Thursday, March 15, 2012

Granny asked to be a model for golden girls fashions


"Hello, Granny.  This is Beth Allison at Golden Girl's Fashions, and we want you to be the new face of our products, as older women are looking for models to show that aging isn't so bad after all."  Well, I'm thinking on this, cause Lester says no one's got a shape like mine and I ought to show it off so other women don't feel so bad about getting old.

Maybe it's time for women to stop lying about their age and men to stop fibbin' about how much money they have.  So someday Lester might be the face of Forbes, since he ain't got much money and still he's doing fine.

I hear tell that there's some 90-year old woman who got herself in the news by being old and showing off her looks.  So Elmer tells me I ought to do the same.  He says those young ones are cute and all, still it takes time to get those curves all right and fine, and in the shape of things to come.  Lots of us old folks feel a lot younger than we really are, so why not show those folks who worry about their age how handsome they can be.

So I'm looking for some good-looking women over 60 to get in line with me since we aren't getting any younger, as they say.  But that's no problem either since there's enough folks getting older and feeling better all the time so it won't worry those young folks when it happens to them too.

It's been a long time since I got dressed up except for Sunday church, and here's a picture of what we ought to look like when us women strut our stuff.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

All tuckered out, Granny's taking care of business


"Granny, where you been?" Ben gets real worried when Granny is gone.  He's my littlest grandbaby here in Cloutierville, with eyes so bright and filled with wonder about the world.  Lord knows, we have to protect our babies, which is why Granny was gone awhile and taking care of business, cause children they don't understand why grown ups are so mean.

It's a long, long way from Cloutierville to Syria, but I had to go because it was getting so bad there, I had to duck those guns shooting everywhere.  These boys they sure do shoot, but they don't kill the deer like our fellers do in Louisiana.  No, they shoot their brothers just for sport..  So I had to sit right down with Kofi Annan, who was there to meet with President Bashar al-Assad.  I don't like to work on Sundays, but this was the time these fellers decided to talk to see if the shooting would stop so those babies don't get killed no more.

Well, Kofi, he was trying to explain that people all over the world are getting fed up with Bashar and his goings on with his own folk.  So I said, let me say something, so this feller understands, cause Granny she can talk his words and get things understood; and he can't get away with saying I don't understand.  Those UN folks they sometimes can't get through to people like this Granny often can.

So I says to Bashar, "بوي، وقلت لك منذ سنوات، عندما كانوا يحاربون مع إخوانكم أكثر من هنا، أنه إذا كنت لا تعلم الدروس الخاصة بك، وكنت أحصل في ورطة كبيرة عندما كبرت، والآن أنت كبير، كنت إعادة في ورطة حقيقية، لأنه أكبر من أي وقت مضى رأيتالتمساح في لويزيانا، أولادنا القيام تعبئتها وشحنها إلى بلدك، وبالتالي فإن الخطوة التالية التي تأخذها قد تكون الخطوة الأخيرةفي أي مكان، إذا لم تقم بإيقاف جودكم سيئة، وكأنني قلت لك منذ سنوات وهذه غتورس يرون جيد، حتى في الليل، مع عيونهمعلى قمم رؤوسهم؛. وعندما تشم رئيس عناء المناسب لذلك، وخاصة بالنسبة للمتاعب أكبر من كل منهم، والتي لا تنسى ، هليكون هذا النوع عندما كان هنا، وأنا فقط جاء لتمكنك من معرفة أن لا شيء يحصل في الماضي اهتمام الجدة الخاص بك، ولا حتى عندما كنت أكذب وأعتقد أن بقية منا لا أعرف ".

Then Kofi says, "Now Granny, repeat all that so I can understand. "

That feller Kofi he might not get that feller Bashar to understand, so I repeated to Kofi what I said to Bashir in plain English, "Boy, I told you years ago, when you were fighting with your brothers over here, that if you didn't learn your lessons, you'd get in big trouble when you grew up.    And now you're big, you're in real trouble, because the biggest gator I ever seen in Louisiana, our boys done packed and shipped to your country, so the next step you take might be your last step anywhere, if you don't stop your being bad, like I told you years ago.  Those gators they see good, even at night, with their eyes on the tops of their heads;  and when they smell trouble head right for it, especially for the biggest troublemaker of them all, which they don't forget, you being that kind when you was here.  I just came to let you know that nothing gets past your Granny's attention, not even when you lie and think the rest of us don't know."





Sunday, March 4, 2012

Lock the gate from hurting words


"F----k you, you b---tch.  You been acting like a wh---, and I ain't going to listen to your g----n crap."
Buster's at it again and needs to listen to Granny and read the sign outside the gate.

"I heard you just a minute ago, talking to Beth.  You been using those bad words again, like you said you wouldn't do.  Remember about those words in vain and what you learned when you was a boy."I said to Buster, who's lookin' at his Granny with his eyes all burning fire.

"And don't you look at me like that.  You hear me, child?  And no apologizing ain't enough.  You do that all the time, and then you get mad again and talk like that.  I hear you kick the cat outside and get mad and cuss when the car won't start and all.  You have to be proud and care about yourself, cause that kind of talk you been doing will get you in trouble someday.  It might could be you lose your Beth and all, but it might be worse than that.  You could lose your life, then have to deal with the Man Upstairs who's been shaking His Head to what he's had to listen to all these years from you.  And you know the sign outside that tells folks how to behave in Cloutierville?  Wait til you read the one Upstairs.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Granny going to Russia to remind Putin of the Rules

"Они любят меня, они на самом деле, действительно."."  Vladmir is so excited that some folks are saying he will get to be in charge of Russia again.  But that little Putin grandbaby is like a lot of people in charge, that when they get to the top, they start getting all puffed up and forgetting the Rules.

So I says to Vladmir, "Мне нужно поговорить с вами и выпрямите все это. Что с тобой случилось, что вы считаете, что ваши люди не просто как люди Cloutierville, кто хочет делать то, что права и быть любимым, как все остальные? Вы сделали забыл, что бабушкаучила вас лет назад, и, возможно, пришло время, чтобы получить те уроки, которые вы оставили кажется ".

Now let me give you that in straight talk, cause I know you understand English.  You just pretend sometimes to Granny, like you play pretend with other people too.

"I need to talk to you and straighten all this out.  What happened to you that you think your folks aren't just like Cloutierville people who want to do what's right and be loved like everyone else?  You done forgot what Granny taught you years ago, and maybe it's time to get a reminder of those lessons you forgot."

There are crooks and liars everywhere in the world, but nobody gets away with nothing so long as Granny watches you.      There are folks who are taking what other people need and getting rich that way is a bad, bad thing.  That's why the Man Upstairs done wrote it down and told us all to help each other and not just try to get things for ourselves.  I brought Vladmir up just like my other grandbabies, but he ain't listening now, just like those folks who have so much and don't want to share with their brothers, even when they say that's what they is all about, sharing and all.  Granny sees those babies everywhere, those ones grown up and acting naughty, not sharing or acting like they say they would and arguing they is better than everybody else.    Then they get up there to the top and act like they and their friends are the only ones who should have good things, not like here in Cloutierville, where everybody cares for everybody else, like they are really brothers.

Now your cousin Gordie looked it up for me on his computer thing and found it costs 24345.01 in your money or $831 in oursto get back and forth from here to Russia, so I expect to get there soon to straighten all this out.  We can't have you making Cloutierville look bad after you learned to do right at Granny's knee.  Now Granny's going to get you at this knee again and this time for more than talking.