Thursday, March 15, 2012

Granny asked to be a model for golden girls fashions

"Hello, Granny.  This is Beth Allison at Golden Girl's Fashions, and we want you to be the new face of our products, as older women are looking for models to show that aging isn't so bad after all."  Well, I'm thinking on this, cause Lester says no one's got a shape like mine and I ought to show it off so other women don't feel so bad about getting old.

Maybe it's time for women to stop lying about their age and men to stop fibbin' about how much money they have.  So someday Lester might be the face of Forbes, since he ain't got much money and still he's doing fine.

I hear tell that there's some 90-year old woman who got herself in the news by being old and showing off her looks.  So Elmer tells me I ought to do the same.  He says those young ones are cute and all, still it takes time to get those curves all right and fine, and in the shape of things to come.  Lots of us old folks feel a lot younger than we really are, so why not show those folks who worry about their age how handsome they can be.

So I'm looking for some good-looking women over 60 to get in line with me since we aren't getting any younger, as they say.  But that's no problem either since there's enough folks getting older and feeling better all the time so it won't worry those young folks when it happens to them too.

It's been a long time since I got dressed up except for Sunday church, and here's a picture of what we ought to look like when us women strut our stuff.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

All tuckered out, Granny's taking care of business

"Granny, where you been?" Ben gets real worried when Granny is gone.  He's my littlest grandbaby here in Cloutierville, with eyes so bright and filled with wonder about the world.  Lord knows, we have to protect our babies, which is why Granny was gone awhile and taking care of business, cause children they don't understand why grown ups are so mean.

It's a long, long way from Cloutierville to Syria, but I had to go because it was getting so bad there, I had to duck those guns shooting everywhere.  These boys they sure do shoot, but they don't kill the deer like our fellers do in Louisiana.  No, they shoot their brothers just for sport..  So I had to sit right down with Kofi Annan, who was there to meet with President Bashar al-Assad.  I don't like to work on Sundays, but this was the time these fellers decided to talk to see if the shooting would stop so those babies don't get killed no more.

Well, Kofi, he was trying to explain that people all over the world are getting fed up with Bashar and his goings on with his own folk.  So I said, let me say something, so this feller understands, cause Granny she can talk his words and get things understood; and he can't get away with saying I don't understand.  Those UN folks they sometimes can't get through to people like this Granny often can.

So I says to Bashar, "بوي، وقلت لك منذ سنوات، عندما كانوا يحاربون مع إخوانكم أكثر من هنا، أنه إذا كنت لا تعلم الدروس الخاصة بك، وكنت أحصل في ورطة كبيرة عندما كبرت، والآن أنت كبير، كنت إعادة في ورطة حقيقية، لأنه أكبر من أي وقت مضى رأيتالتمساح في لويزيانا، أولادنا القيام تعبئتها وشحنها إلى بلدك، وبالتالي فإن الخطوة التالية التي تأخذها قد تكون الخطوة الأخيرةفي أي مكان، إذا لم تقم بإيقاف جودكم سيئة، وكأنني قلت لك منذ سنوات وهذه غتورس يرون جيد، حتى في الليل، مع عيونهمعلى قمم رؤوسهم؛. وعندما تشم رئيس عناء المناسب لذلك، وخاصة بالنسبة للمتاعب أكبر من كل منهم، والتي لا تنسى ، هليكون هذا النوع عندما كان هنا، وأنا فقط جاء لتمكنك من معرفة أن لا شيء يحصل في الماضي اهتمام الجدة الخاص بك، ولا حتى عندما كنت أكذب وأعتقد أن بقية منا لا أعرف ".

Then Kofi says, "Now Granny, repeat all that so I can understand. "

That feller Kofi he might not get that feller Bashar to understand, so I repeated to Kofi what I said to Bashir in plain English, "Boy, I told you years ago, when you were fighting with your brothers over here, that if you didn't learn your lessons, you'd get in big trouble when you grew up.    And now you're big, you're in real trouble, because the biggest gator I ever seen in Louisiana, our boys done packed and shipped to your country, so the next step you take might be your last step anywhere, if you don't stop your being bad, like I told you years ago.  Those gators they see good, even at night, with their eyes on the tops of their heads;  and when they smell trouble head right for it, especially for the biggest troublemaker of them all, which they don't forget, you being that kind when you was here.  I just came to let you know that nothing gets past your Granny's attention, not even when you lie and think the rest of us don't know."

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Lock the gate from hurting words

"F----k you, you b---tch.  You been acting like a wh---, and I ain't going to listen to your g----n crap."
Buster's at it again and needs to listen to Granny and read the sign outside the gate.

"I heard you just a minute ago, talking to Beth.  You been using those bad words again, like you said you wouldn't do.  Remember about those words in vain and what you learned when you was a boy."I said to Buster, who's lookin' at his Granny with his eyes all burning fire.

"And don't you look at me like that.  You hear me, child?  And no apologizing ain't enough.  You do that all the time, and then you get mad again and talk like that.  I hear you kick the cat outside and get mad and cuss when the car won't start and all.  You have to be proud and care about yourself, cause that kind of talk you been doing will get you in trouble someday.  It might could be you lose your Beth and all, but it might be worse than that.  You could lose your life, then have to deal with the Man Upstairs who's been shaking His Head to what he's had to listen to all these years from you.  And you know the sign outside that tells folks how to behave in Cloutierville?  Wait til you read the one Upstairs.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Granny going to Russia to remind Putin of the Rules

"Они любят меня, они на самом деле, действительно."."  Vladmir is so excited that some folks are saying he will get to be in charge of Russia again.  But that little Putin grandbaby is like a lot of people in charge, that when they get to the top, they start getting all puffed up and forgetting the Rules.

So I says to Vladmir, "Мне нужно поговорить с вами и выпрямите все это. Что с тобой случилось, что вы считаете, что ваши люди не просто как люди Cloutierville, кто хочет делать то, что права и быть любимым, как все остальные? Вы сделали забыл, что бабушкаучила вас лет назад, и, возможно, пришло время, чтобы получить те уроки, которые вы оставили кажется ".

Now let me give you that in straight talk, cause I know you understand English.  You just pretend sometimes to Granny, like you play pretend with other people too.

"I need to talk to you and straighten all this out.  What happened to you that you think your folks aren't just like Cloutierville people who want to do what's right and be loved like everyone else?  You done forgot what Granny taught you years ago, and maybe it's time to get a reminder of those lessons you forgot."

There are crooks and liars everywhere in the world, but nobody gets away with nothing so long as Granny watches you.      There are folks who are taking what other people need and getting rich that way is a bad, bad thing.  That's why the Man Upstairs done wrote it down and told us all to help each other and not just try to get things for ourselves.  I brought Vladmir up just like my other grandbabies, but he ain't listening now, just like those folks who have so much and don't want to share with their brothers, even when they say that's what they is all about, sharing and all.  Granny sees those babies everywhere, those ones grown up and acting naughty, not sharing or acting like they say they would and arguing they is better than everybody else.    Then they get up there to the top and act like they and their friends are the only ones who should have good things, not like here in Cloutierville, where everybody cares for everybody else, like they are really brothers.

Now your cousin Gordie looked it up for me on his computer thing and found it costs 24345.01 in your money or $831 in oursto get back and forth from here to Russia, so I expect to get there soon to straighten all this out.  We can't have you making Cloutierville look bad after you learned to do right at Granny's knee.  Now Granny's going to get you at this knee again and this time for more than talking.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Granny’s advice on being gay: Listen for His whistle

God wants us to be happy

“Granny, I am getting married next month.  I hadn’t got around to telling you, but you’re going to love Fred.  He’s wonderful, and he is so good to me.  I know you might not have known what was going on, but I’m gay.  I sure hope you understand.”

Bill is getting married next month, he tells me.   That child has always been a part of his Granny’s heart all of his born days.  He was the one who asked to carry the groceries for me when he saw me limping up the stairs one day when I fell down over at the corner, after tripping on some rock there in the roadway.  He was the one who used to take Bessie her mail and sit and talk with her every day, her being a shut-in and all.  And I stood beside him, watching him cry so hard when little Mark, a feller in the nearby town who didn’t have many friends, came around to Cloutierville to play and later on got sick and died with a cancer.  My little Billy, all growed up now and such a fine, young man, well there wasn’t a day gone by he wasn’t praying for that child.

“You are happy.”   I says to my Billy.   I hear it in his voice.  “That is what your Granny wants for you most of all, and for me to listen to the joy of those I love.  What I think about your business isn’t part of that.  What I believe is when you walk with the Man Upstairs just like this old Granny does ; and if you’re whistling cause you feel so good, the echo that you hear come back might be that Voice some folks can’t understand.  And that is judging people is His business after all.  

Monday, February 27, 2012

Granny speaks up about gun violence and schools

"They been shootin' here," Granny, "And I get scared to send my kids to school."  Well Lord have mercy what's going on these days, Granny just don't know; but what she does know is that school is for learning and what's going on right now just don't seem right, for sure.

"Ben, you know I told you long time ago 'bout those rifles of yours, and that little Dennis can get inside and get your gun sometimes.  Your great grandpa, well he always kept his guns locked up..  He said, 'You raise kids right, but sometimes you ain't finished with their raisin' cause they got a mind of their own.  And sometimes they don't use it like they should.  And your Grandpa, Lester, he says, "Well sometimes those babies are too little and just copy what they see other folks do on t.v. and stuff like that."

But Ben, he gets all upset about his guns and all, there in Ohio, so scared someone will take them away.  It gets too political, all that talk about guns.   And he wants his boys to go out hunting with him and all of that; and he talks about his rights.  So he says, "Granny, you just don't understand.  We have to make sure we have our rights and all, and I don't want them taken away.  I need to have my guns."

"Taking away your rights isn't what this talk is all about," I tells him, remembering how I stood with all those mothers, listening to their crying all these years, when babies they too young to understand.  "I just want my grandbabies to be safe wherever they may be, from shooting and from hurting all like that, just like what happened today."

I don't know if Ben listened, as I heard him hang up the telephone, saying something like this old woman here in Cloutierville don't understand those man things and all of that.  But I know that the Man Upstairs wants Granny to speak up again, no matter how many reminders it might take to keep our babies safe.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Granny speaks of alligators and politics

“They love me, Granny.  They really, really do.”  Rick was so excited about  winning those Republican primaries, so he says, “You gonna help campaign for me, right?”  Then President Barry, he calls and asks me the same thing.  But I tells them about the alligators and how you can’t swim around them and not risk getting bit.

Politics is silly business, not like here in Cloutierville where folks we know each other, and when things get out of hand, we all get busy and clean things up.  Lord have mercy, we have problems lots of times, getting the roads fixed and the bridges repaired.   So we get together, put out some money, and get things done, not like those folks in Washington who yell so loud at each other, no one can tell what’s right or not, what they been thinking or whether they been thinking straight at all.  Around these parts we don't kick the can down the road.

Those politicians act more like alligators who got  a blind spot in front of them  and end up fighting everything when they get cranky, and so we got to watch our backsides when we swim in those waters so we don’t get eaten up or fighting with each other just to stay alive.

And Rick and Barry?  God love them both.  Their Granny always will.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Granny talks about getting old and what that really means

“I’m never going to get old,” Mary Sue tells me, as she tells me that age 50 is the new 30.  “You’re only as old about as you feel,” she says, like Granny hasn’t heard that before.  But I got something to tell that girl about getting old.

“I am old,” I remind her.  “And I really am.  That’s nothing to worry about either.  You can sure want to stay pretty and smart, like you are.   Getting old is something that happens to everyone, unless you die along the way.  Your body changes, and your life goes in all different directions.  People come in and out of your life, like the wind in Natchitoches Parish during hurricane season.  Along the way, some of those changes might open the door to new things that are good for you.  You have more time to spend with folks you love.  You can read all those books at the library you been saying you don’t have time to read.”

“I am old, unless someone thinks I’m going to live until I’m 150, cause I’m not middle-aged as well.  Old doesn’t mean worn out or useless, it just means more time to grow, to change and to learn new things.  Even if you feel old, which means to most folks they got their rheumatism or their pain somewhere, you always have something inside you that can keep you thinking about tomorrow, no matter what.  Still getting old means working at looking up,  not down someplace, where your chin is or your tummy sags today.

“I am old and happy I got here with all of my loved ones, to see behind me all the things that have happened for many years, and ahead until the Man Upstairs tells me it’s time to sweep His floor.  I look forward to that as just like getting old is something that makes me smile today and love my life no matter where it takes me next, as I hope the same for you.”

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Granny explains how miracles come like ribbons

Ben called this morning all excited.    “Granny, I don’t know what happened.  It was some kind of miracle, me with no money and all for the holidays, and then suddenly something came in the mail; and now I’m okay. “  But Granny she knows what happened, cause these are things we can’t explain  in ways with words alone.

The feller has been working hard to find a job.  He was out at the plant down the road, but there were no jobs there at all.  Ben told me many weeks ago how he worried whether he could carry on.  The future looked so bleak. 

“I talked to the Man Upstairs, just like you said I ought to do,” Ben said,  “And nothing happened for so long that I was losing faith.  Then came the letter telling me I got the job in Natchitoches, and little Beverly will have the dress I promised her.  And I can visit you in Cloutierville on Sunday, just like I promised, cause now I can get the old car fixed and make it to your house.”

 I listened, smiled, and said, “Life can be like the tale told about those scarlet ribbons. A child was sick, and her daddy wanted to bring her pretty ribbons. He done looked and looked and couldnl't find them. He went to the stores everywhere, then came home and found his baby prayin'. In the morning when he went to look at his baby, there on her bed were those scarlet ribbons.

 The things we can’t explain, we just have faith and one day something happens, those miracles of life that teach us there are things we cannot see, we do not understand, that come like scarlet ribbons in answers to our prayers.  When we are like children believing in ourselves and having faith, those ribbons are the miracles that come in many ways just when we need them most.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Stand for something so you don’t fall down and get hurt

Butch, that boy he really likes his buddies; but yesterday they was up in the trees, when it was foggy,  throwing rocks at  Mr. Choctawbush, and Granny knows if Butch don’t stand up now, he’ll  fall right on his head.

“Oh, granny, “ I was just havin’ fun like everybody else,” says Butch.  “My friends they say the feller smells real bad and isn’t like the rest of folks in Cloutierville at all.  So why not have a little fun?”

That Butch, he sure thinks he's smart, but this old Granny worries that he might fall down and get hurt if he stays in those trees where the boys think no one sees what they is doing.  But Granny she’s got eyes right in the back of this old head and knows the Man Upstairs has got them even more and sees in all directions all the time.  And when we want to really stand up high, we need to get up on those Great Shoulders so we can see what’s comin’ next and not get hurt ourselves.  We can also help other folks know which way to go as well, and that means things like throwin' rocks at folks that we don't know.

I explains this all to Butch, but he just shakes his head and says to Granny, “You don’t understand.  The world is changin’, and you got to catch up.”  Granny knows that some change, well that’s good for sure, but when it knocks you over then it’s time to just stand up. Just like that old cowboy song, it says  like this, what Granny does, "If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Granny says relief from grief can be found in the fields of gold

Dieter called me the other day, and there was such a sadness in his life. His wife is leavin’ him a little at a time with something he says is Huntington’s Disease And Granny reminded him that he will see his wife again, just as other folks will see their lost ones, in their dreams or that forever place, those shining fields of gold.

You see when folks get old, well some of them complain. But complainin’ isn’t what they need to do. The tears they cry, they need them, and then they can offer them up to the Man Upstairs, or that place within their hearts, where love is born and where our souls can live forever as our memories still offer joy from those shining Fields of Gold, like they are in Cloutierville.

We change, for sure, as we grow old. Our bodies, they can fail. And so can the talents we once had, those measures of our lives we treasured in our youth. But from our miracles, some bits and pieces of those treasures can appear, especially when we need them most, in times like this as they sometimes do for me and all of you.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Granny tells how to make gumbo

"It's getting cold here in Chicago, " Bertha tells me.  "And Al, he says he has to have his gumbo, but I don't know how to make it.  So he says to me to call Granny, and that you would tell me how.  So here's what I explained to that Yankee gal today.

"You have to start by making a roux.  No Bertha, that's not what you use on cheeks.  We got our names for things you gotta learn cause we were folks who started all of this.  Put a lot of water in a pan, cause boys they got big appetites, and girls they play pretend but they like gumbo too.  That's gonna be about a half gallon and maybe another quart or so. Depends on how many babies you got in your house today, cause Granny has a lot in Cloutierville.

Take your time and put in some flour, about half a cup or a little more, but don't get it real think.  You ain't making cake, you know.  Now let that simmer on the stove a little while, until it gets all brown lookin' and just a little thick.  Then add some vegetables and spices.  Now I'll say these slow and careful cause that's what makes gumbo good.  Put in some salt and pepper.  You probably have that.  But then it gets a little harder, and that's what makes us Southern folks know better what to do.  You put in some onions all chopped up.  I figure I need to say something about that cause we don't want you droppin' in some vegetables just like you picked them out.  Put in some garlic, green peppers and okra, and those spices like thyme, basil, bay leaf and cayenne pepper to spice it up a bit.  When that's done put in cooked tomatoes and add some broth from some chicken you done cooked.  And most of us we have our sausage too..

You don't know how to cook that chicken?  Or the sausage?  Well, you'll have to look up how to do all that cause making gumbo takes one real smart cook, and you gotta learn how to make those meats real good before you make the gumbo, or it just won't turn out right.

Then add the file powder just before the family gets to eat.  You gonna have to shop around for that.  The family likes to eat it over rice, but not so much you can't taste that gumbo really good."

And for you Yankee folks, you better have a glass of water close cause when you get a taste of gumbo all fired up like that, you'll know what gets us Southerns able to stand the heat in the kitchen after y'all done gone.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Swearing words according to Granny

Alligator in Granny's yard
Well, there he goes again and right in my backyard.  Old Skeeter keeps sayin' that word f#####k over and over, as if we ain't heard it before.  Trouble is he done wore it out and me as well as everybody else, I suspects, just like on TV and the movies, it's makin' me real tired.  Besides it isn't very creative after all.

So I went out back and says to Skeeter, "Can you come up with something else when you is mad like that?"  And he says to me, "I got freedom of speech in Cloutierville and I say what I want.  If you don't like it, you get back in your house and keep your windows closed."

Well, tarnation, that just riled me up, 'cause I reached those limits, and so I sure did set that feller straight right then about that "F word" and what cursing really means by letting loose that 'gator in my yard.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Granny's reminder, "We're all in the same boat."

Swamp in Cloutierville 
 Granny's so proud of the Metoyer family, especially Bert and his boys.  They were out in the swamp fishing last week, when the Boudreaux fellers were out there in their boats too and could have been eaten by alligators.  But they remembered what Granny told them, "We're all in the same boat."

I heard tell on the news some other fellers in the military did the same good thing way over near Iran, brave boys who went and rescued other fellers they might not even like.  But when you is part of Granny's family, you know about that boat, the one the Man Upstairs done made for all of us, for everyone, not just in Cloutierville.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Politicians speeches aren't the "Sermon on the Mount"

Sermon on the Mount by I.Makarov

"Granny, you gonna vote for me, right?" Bert asks me, telling me, "You know the minister down the road told his congregation Sunday that I'm the better man."  And Granny has to wonder what this world is coming to when folks want her to take sides, even in a church.

"Me, I like to go to church in Cloutierville for lots of real good things" I says to Bert.   "I sees my friends around and know they's there to feel the Man Upstairs inside.  But having a politician make those speeches and then saying a minister is telling me how to vote?  Well land a-goshin' I just can't figure out what this old world is comin' to these days."

"You see this Granny has this family that has lots of ideas about who they like and don't.  And Granny loves them all, cause that's what a a really good Sermon I read a lot tells me I should do.  I'm just here to let those whippersnappers not get out of line, the bunch of them, just like I did when they was babies.  But now they all grown up, I just let them know when they get out line from those Good Words that everyone should care about, more than what some politician thinks they ought to be.  Those whipper snappers don't remember the snap of the whip they need."

Monday, January 9, 2012

Obama told he's ignoring his Granny

Guest house for the Obamas in Cloutierville, Louisiana near Poke Salad Granny
I said,  "Put Barry on the phone. Yes, he knows who I am; and if he can't remember, well that's what this is all about.  It's about that visit to Hawaii he made for vacation, ignoring his folks in Cloutiervile, Louisiana and his poor old Granny here.  Yes, I knows he's President; but he's still got business with me."

Getting through to that young-un, Barry,  I swear, gets harder every day.  But his going to Hawaii when Cloutierville is a paradise right here, well, that just will not do.  Besides the last time he called, he told me there was important business with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, and there still is..  Well that other feller, he's gonna hear from his Granny too.

"If my Barry is too busy to talk with his Granny right now, I wants you to tell him it's a whole lot cheaper to get here than some fancy place like Hawaii.  And I hear tell he been thinkin' bout Hawaii or Chicago for his Presidential library.  That feller he sure done got a big head on his shoulders if he didn't think that library ought to be in the town where him and all his friends grew up.  Now there is friends and family in Cloutierville and a bed at Granny's house.  He could even bunk at the house down the street, my neighbor says; but that's a lot more expensive than stayin' with Granny.  And if he's as good as these other grandbabies around this town, or even some of them up in Natchitoches, and other parts where folks are tryin', he just might get a cupcake."

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Learning how to love from children

Interracial couple in Portland, Oregon
"She's going to marry him," she says, Betty is all upset about her daughter Bonnie marrying Boudreaux down the road.  "He ain't like us.  He's Cajun,  and what about the children?"  And I wonder how that liberal gal who says she loves everyone and believes they all is equal can't see what's right in front of her for what it really is.

"Betty, we got this Good Book on the shelf; and sometimes Granny worries that it often isn't read." I tells her cause Betty needs to know what lies ahead.    "That's why I took that book down and read to my grandbabies all around the world every night as they was growing up cause there are problems all the time that happen in our lives.  How we learn to solve them can come from that Good Book.  But you can get some answers too if you just think about how special is all life and how life itself grows even when we think it don't, as our children move right past like their parents they could not.  They is doing it here and even in Oregon where Granny has family too."

"You see those young ones, they don't care like many of the rest of people do.  They see someone they love, and they don't look at colors and those other differences of people in making up their minds.  They make mistakes like their moms and dads, oh Lord, I watched that too.  Still they is growing up in ways that many folks did not.  Remember that Good Book says we all should love like little children do and grow up with that kind of love inside."

"I worry about those children, and I hope you're right, dear Granny," Betty said as she got ready to go back to New York home today.  And Granny knows that somewhere in that time ahead for Betty, those grandbabies she might have will be a way of light for her, as mine have been for this old Granny here.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Stealing Granny’s name

Zuber Buhler Fritz - The Cherry Thieves

“You can’t cash my check here?  I been shopping here for years,” I told the clerk at Wal-Mart but she tells me somebody may be using my name, and she just has to make sure, since I don’t have the proper identification.

“What’s proper?” I asks her, “Well, something with your picture on it. “ she says, but everyone knows Granny in these parts around Cloutierville and all around the world.  This is silly business, but if folks are stealing my name and using it wrong, well then I just gotta be careful.  But what’s a body to do when she don’t drive and this check business needs my picture.

So Bert he comes right around the corner and says, “You know I’ll vouch for this lady, and here’s my picture and driver’s license too. “  The clerk grumbles, and the manager comes along, some feller from my church who knows his Granny, and he nods and grins as he’s taking care of business.  But that business of using Granny’s name, well that’s a different thing, and I hear tell it happens lots of times.   It’s stealing, that’s what it is.  Stealing from Granny is really being bad.   I hear tell it happens to us old folks quite a bit. 

There’s only one Poke Salad Granny, no matter how many folks might tell you they is me.  You’ll always know me by that pretty dress I’m wearing, but most of all those aprons from my kitchen that remind the world it’s cupcake time again.