Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Granny tells canvassers where to put their political stickers

They came by the house here in Cloutierville with those stickers again.  Lord a mercy, every two years I get a bunch.  But I told them where to put them this time.

One of them says, "Get rid of Obamacare."  Another says, "Our values are under attack."  Well, I told those boys just take them back those stickers and stick them somewhere else, because who knows what they mean these days.  Besides I got so many on my refrigerator, I can't remember sometimes  if I put cucumbers in there or my socks.

Elmer said from the back room to tell them to stick them where the sun doesn't shine, but I sure don't know where that is, but I figured those boys do so I told them them what Elmer said..  And one of them got really mad.

That sticker that says Obamacare.  What's that?  Probably to tell people Obama cares about them,  but I guess they need some reminding.

They keep talking about those values, but I don't know what they mean because folks are just getting confused.  The Good Book and my mama told me what they really were, and they said you just got to love.  But these guys got real angry when I just asked some questions, so I  guess they don't love me at all and probably don't love each other since they were yelling at each other when they ran down the road outta here.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Granny wants to find out how David Vitter made himself a man

"Well, Elmer I'm going down the road here in Cloutierville and catch myself a ride and go see David Vitter and see how he made himself into a man." He just grunted a bit and told me to have a good time.

That fellow Vitter well he sure likes the girls, they tell me.  He calls them girls, I heard that once he likes call girls.  Someone told me he likes to get a piece of Southern tail, and well that would be me, only I'm the whole body too.  I can also give that fellow a piece of mind if I don't get any straight answers.

So I get there and I'm sitting in the front row, but somebody said when I got there, "Now don't ask him any questions.  He only answers the ones you write down, and then he squints like he can't read them.  Then he hands them over to some other fellow, and that guy squints.  And then I guess they figure it out, but it's always about socialism and those Democrats and how health care is going to destroy America.  So I don't think you can ask him any questions except that."   

I said, "What?  No questions?  I got a whole sack full of questions.  Like what was he doing that Saturday night that time we were all walking along Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Elmer and me and Myrtle and Bud.  We sees him go into some big, tall house where there was a lot of noise going on and stuff with some good looking woman like me standing at the door with hardly nothing on.  Well, maybe she was a little younger than me, but real pretty like.  And Vitter, well I could hear him laughing and saying, "Well you pick out one for me this time."  Then the lady at the door says, "This one's on the house."

Elmer said, "Now Clara, don't you be going in there, girl.  It looks like there are some fellows taking up with girls in there, and I don't want you to know what's going on, you being so innocent and all. "

So I says to myself, "I got to find out about that house.  Lord knows I've been thinking and thinking, what could be so much fun, but some dark secret Elmer won't talk to me about."

When I asked Elmer about it later, he said, "You remember Billy around the corner about an acre and a half away?  Well, he went to one of those houses and made himself a man."

I sure want to know how a man goes into a house and then makes himself a man.  Is it like being born again?

Don't you think Vitter would know about that since he went in there himself, well he said just a time or two?   But somebody said he went there a whole lot of times.   So how come he needed to make a man of himself that many times.

Well he isn't like my Elmer, no sir, he's been a man since the beginning and he don't sneak out any back doors and not tell his wife, cause I'd feed him to that alligator.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

No country for lying old men

I don't gripe much, but sometimes you got to get stuff off your chest or you'll just keel over someday and mine is about that March on Washington which looked to me like a old men's preacher meeting.

I was going to join the March on Washington, but Elmer said, "Clara, you know you got those bad joints and you snore real bad, so I won't sleep, and you'll be hurting, so I think you ought to stay home."

So I stayed home in Cloutierville and watched those folks on television, and Lord have mercy it was I'm glad I didn't go after all.

I thought the March on Washington was going to be for those black people again. My neighbors down the way come over sometime and eat poke salad and we talk about stuff going on. We watched the March on Washington with Reverend Martin Luther King, and that sure was different. This time there were just a whole bunch of white folks waving flags, and no one was singing, "We Shall Overcome." Not many black folks either, which wasn't what Dr. King said.

Then the guy doing most of the talking, that Beck boy Glenn, was sounding like some Southern preacher, not as good as the ones we got here. Besides he didn't make sense half the time so I couldn't tell if it was God he was telling about or himself or that flag he kept talking about people were waving. When you get that confused, it's time to get out of the front, my teacher said, when you don't know what you're talking about and go home and study your history lessons. Because that Glenn Beck boy he just makes things up.