Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wall Street Journal doesn’t know cows from bulls or how to handle manure

I may be plain and simple but I read.  I even read the Wall Street Journal and watched those folks get fuzzy headed after Rupert Murdoch bought the place.

Now I don’t know about the rest of you people, but 2 and 2 are 4 in my book, and add the Wall Street Journal, with its big important name, and a television station with lots of money; and you’ve got a big mouth to shoot off.  And some folks are doing it too, trying to stop common sense.

Like this guy named Rush Limbaugh who really pitches manure.  That’s what you get when you hang around in the backyard like here in Cloutierville  too dumb to know a cow from a bull and try to milk the wrong animal.

The Wall Street Journal says Obama purposely closed down those oil rigs to hurt the Gulf Coast.  They also say Obama folks don’t trust their own officials to figure things out.

It’s like manure.  If some truck dumps too much in my backyard and it just keeps on a-dumping,  I wouldn’t call other trucks to do it too

But then I know manure when I see it.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

My Elmer can do more in three minutes than those speed-daters do

 Don’t know what this world is coming to.  Lordy, when I met Elmer he was over at my house, sitting on the back porch, walking me around hours on the old road in our back fields here in Cloutierville.  But Elmer tells me folks     are doing it in three minutes.                                                                                                            

In three minutes Elmer wouldn’t have much time to even say something.  He’s too quiet.   I do most of the talking, as everyone around these parts knows.  Elmer only talks, he says, when he’s got something to say that’s important.

So it was news to me when Elmer came and got me and said, “I need three minutes.”
“Three minutes, Elmer?  What’s that for?”

“Well, I heard on the news these people are courting in just three minIutes.   They call it speed-dating.   They say they can do it even with pictures.  I thought to myself, with pictures?  I don't need any pictures, but I sure can figure out something," Elmer says with his grin, looking at me like he does when it's time for dinner.

“Well, what do you want to do in those three minutes?” I asked, but I couldn’t finish asking any questions because before I could get too far down that road, Elmer already had me in the bushes.
Elmer might not say much, but I’ll bet he can do a lot more in three minutes than any of those young folks do.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Barry can go to church near the poke salad fields

 I sure wish Barry would join a church there in Washington, but he told me, “Granny, I can’t.    No matter what I do, someone will complain about it.”  Well, I sure wonder why anyone   would complain about Barry going to church.

I was thinking the other day that what he says makes sense.  But what doesn't make sense are people saying he doesn't like Jesus and that he isn't a Christian.  Guess all those years of going to church in Chicago just didn't make them believe anything either.  And they didn't like him for that.

Why he couldn’t be Episcopalian because Lord knows people complain about those gay people.

He’d have trouble being a Presbyterian too because these folks are thinking they might have gay people as pastors as long as they don't have any sex with someone like them.

Yeh, even the Lutherans have preachers who are gay.  Lots of people wouldn't like Barry if he signed up with them.

He couldn’t go to a Baptist Church where he lives, near the South, if it’s the Southern kind.  How could Michelle and him go off to that church when Michelle couldn't teach Sunday School except to the girls?  Besides Michelle has got a big mouth of her own, and can you imagine her shooting it off when they’ll preach at her about being obedient to her husband.  I can’t believe Michelle would be obedient to Barry just because he told her since she’s the one in charge of things at home.

How could he go to an all-black church?  Then they would think he had favorites.
How could he go to a mostly white church?  Then the other folks would think he had favorites.

I told Barry just drive on down here to Cloutierville where we can all say he went to church near the poke salad fields, where folks like him and me were eating years ago and no one will pay any attention.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Engineering corps: all that education and can't dig a ditch or build a backyard fence

Well, I'll be switched, has it been that long?  Five years since that big storm and that flood.  All that education and they can't even dig a ditch or build a backyard fence right.

Well, now what are they going to do if it rains, and these people don't have the ditch dug and the wall fixed?.  All it takes is a good shovel and a good pair of eyes, and I heard they got all the rest.  Why Elmer could show those boys how, and he only finished sixth grade.

They were supposed to make sure the wall around that town was good and tight and the ditch was there too.  They didn't get it right, and look what happened.  Now what's my New Orleans friends supposed to do?

Well my kids could build a fort in the backyard here in Cloutierville that would be better than these guys done.  I swear, you send some kids to school and what do they do?  They don't use their noggins, that's for sure.  Otherwise, the city wouldn't have flooded in the first place.

That wall had a bunch of holes.  Even I could figure that out.  So why did it take everyone else so long, even those high-falutin' folks with their fancy suits and all?

I'm worried about Myrtle in Tennessee.  When you have to keep the rain out and the rivers from coming over a wall, what's going to happen if those walls get bad again like they were this year where Myrtle lives.   Myrtle told me they had to go to sleep at the Y when their house got flooded.

I think everybody ought to pay attention to me about this and get on those fellows to do it right this time.

I'm just talking right now, but don't get me mad again or I'll take one of those boys to the woodshed.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Birth certificate? Don't you worry, Barry

I can tell you're excited.  But slow down honey, I can't hear you when you're talking so fast.  They made her pay money because she was making fun and saying you weren't born in this country?

Where do they think you were born?  Africa?
So she got her comeuppance did she?   I'd take her whole allowance away, that's what I'd do.

Claiming you weren't born in this country.  Well, that was damn foolishishness anyway.  Some people won't believe something, even if they see it with their own eyes.  Well, I can't find my birth certificate either here in Cloutierville, and people around here know who I am.  I suspect people in Hawaii know who you are too.  And they got the evidence.

Besides I saw the picture of it in the paper.   Myrtle was there with Bud, before you got to be President in the first place.  The newspaper in Hawaii had it printed right on the front page.  They were sick and tired of the funny business.

Well, I'm sick and tired of it too.  There I was at your cradle in my own way, because Lord help us it was too much money for me to get way over there to Hawaii in them days.  But your other granny was there.  And she sent me the news from the paper then when they put your mama's name and all about her having you in the first place. 
I'm glad you took Granny's advice and stayed out of it.  Some people won't believe you no matter what you do. 

Now ---what did you say her name was?  Orly Taitz---Mmmm, now that one really sounds foreign to me.  And she has to pay money because she hurt your feelings?  Well, good for you, honey.  Nobody ought to be making fun of the President of the United States and doing stupid stuff to get attention.

With a name like Orly Taitz, I think I'll call around and see where she's from and make a fuss of that.  We can ask to see her birth certificate.   She sure ain't from around here.    Check with her husband, but thinking about how dumb his wife is, he might not know either.   Make her and all her friends prove it, then laugh and say they're wrong when they do.  That'll fix 'em.

Or we could wash her mouth out with soap for lying in the first place and send her to the woodshed.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Eat your dinner, there are starving children

No cupcakes for children who don't eat their dinner
You been sittin' there lookin' at that plate for a long time.  You're not getting any dessert until you finish that food.  There are a lot of starvin' children in the world, going to bed hungry.  You don't want to be one of them, do you?

What do you mean you don't like greens?  There's nobody in the town of Cloutierville that don't like greens.  Foolish business.  And get your hands out of your lap where I can see them.  Who knows where they've been diggin'.

You know when you don't eat your food, well that's not gratitude.  I spent the whole day cookin' over this hot stove, and all you have to do is dig in.

A little piece of meat, some greens and a small potato.  I don't want you to be one of those kids who gets real fat cause they get overfed and don't eat proper.  But you eat those greens.  They's a Southern tradition.

Children are going hungry, and all you do is complain.  As for you, as long as you eatin' in my house you is gonna clean that plate.  And no sneakin' out the door when I's not watchin'

Darn that kid.  Does it every time.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Selling grass

Elmer, get in here.  It's the craziest thing I ever heard.  Myrtle tells me they are going to be selling grass in California.  And she said her grandson's third cousin is getting married to a guy from Oregon where they are going to sell grass together there too

Selling grass, boys getting married to each other?  I tell you that's all new to me.

But I told Myrtle, after I was done thinking about it for awhile: well, if those kids are crazy enough to think they can sell grass and make money, more power to them.  Because I got a whole backyard of that stuff; and if they need more, well they can just come here and pick all they want out of the back pasture.

Then I says to Myrtle, as long as neither of them boys are interested in my Elmer, why should I care?

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Say You're Sorry to Al

You feel bad?  You ought to.  Now go tell him.  Poor fellow.  Al Gore.  Losing his wife, didn't get the big job he won fair and square.  And then all those people making jokes about him.  You should apologize

Really I think everybody should.  And stop laughing.

It's so damn hot, you darn tootin' Al was right.

I was watching these two fellows on t.v. talking, and one of them said, "Well, you know there are different opinions about that."

They were quarreling over whether it is really getting hotter.  I said, "These young fellows think they have to fight about everything, even when it's as clear as day and hot as hell."

Myrtle told me in Tennessee she never saw so much water.

Even those commies we weren't supposed to like, and now we can, in Russia.  I've been feeling sorry for them.  It's even hot there.

I think it all adds up.  But people got to keep arguing, like they don't have anything to be nice about.

Smarty pants don't ever want to give up.  Some people just like being a bully.  Just wait if he gets around me.  I'll tell him a thing or two.

Poor Al.   He's probably been crying.   Now you call him, or I will, and tell him we're sorry.  Yes we are--well I am, and I sure think the rest of you just oughta think about that.

Because I think it's going to get hotter, and then what?  Poor granny just might keel over from it here in Cloutierville. .

Then what would happen to you when I'm not around to make sure you pay attention.

Granny tells BP: You did it, now you go clean it up

I saw you.  You did it.  Now you go clean it up.

Don't give any more excuses, like you didn't know either.  You were told the first time what could happen, but no.  You didn't listen.  Oh, no.  You think you know everything, don't you?  Don't even listen to your teachers.

No wonder you kept trying and trying and kept failing.  You didn't think, did you?.

So now you spilled it.  The oil is all over the place.  You tell me the oil is getting cleaned up.  You've got your little friends saying the same thing.  But that's just the surface stuff you got.  You got a long ways to go before you get this done and fixed.

Ugh, it's awful.  Just look at it.  And just look at yourself.

I've been checking, and you know what?  I can see it.  Everybody can see the oil when they look under stuff.  They can smell it too.  It's awful.  It's making people sick.

Get that smirk off your face.  You think I don't know? 

In my day here in Cloutierville  people wouldn't let you get away with it.   But I'm trying to talk sense into you, right now.

Stop lying, and don't think the rest of the people in the neighborhood don't know you spilled that oil all over the place.  It's into everything.  You are making people around here real mad, BP.

Now you stop lying to me and everybody else like you've been doing.  Like you're trying to lie your way out of here right now.

Your allowance isn't going to be enough either.  You're going to be paying for this for a long time.

Get busy and clean it up, right down as far as you can go.  Get on your knees if you have to.

Better ask God's forgiveness too, because you've hurt a lot of people.

You hear me?